Sunday, October 31, 2010

How to Push Amy's Buttons

A Comprehensive Description of a few surefire ways to make me angry, grumpy, and unhappy with you. Not all items, but most, can also double as a good way to exhibit a lack of intelligence and common sense. Handy, right?

1 Call me Amelia with that goofy smile that says you are doing it just to make me annoyed. I gaurantee that if you know my real name is Amelia, you also know me well enough to know that only Justin and my mother are allowed to call me that. Don't do it on purpose. You're not that funny.

2 Say "How are you?", or even worse, "How ya doin'?", and then ask me if I'm sure when I tell you how I am. If I am really doing great, asking me will change said status immediately, and if I am not, I will either tell you that or have a good reason for lying.

3 Say, "No offense, but...", and then proceed to say something offensive. It doesn't work that way. Saying, "No offense, but...", not only makes the forthcoming comment seem more offensive, it also announces that you know you are being rude, but you're going to say it anyway.

4 Use the word irregardless in an even semi-intelligent conversation. Anyone who ever passed an English class should know that irregardless is a double negative and a stupid word to boot. going crazy with the prefixes only makes you sound like an idiot.

5 Apologize in advance for rude comments. Even if you're Catholic, it's still a dumb thing to do.

6 Accuse someone of being a drama queen in a loud, whiny, voice, in a room full of people who can all hear you. Just think about that for a minute.

7 Touch me when my legs are crossed and my arms are folde, especially when it looks like I am chewing on my own tongue. This usually means I am holding in something of a violent nature which is liable to come out in a messy manner if you get in my way.

8 Special Edition for Teachers: Mark opinion questions wrong. How much of an idiot are you, seriously?

9 Special Edition for Teachers, part 2: Make stuff up and assume your students are idiots. Believe it or not, they might know more about it than you, which means they will know when you teach things that are straight-up not true. Martin Luther had ninety five theses, actually, and you better not teach crap about Michelangelo either or I might hurt you. Idiot Professor.

10 Pretend like you know people you have never spoken to. If they don't know your name, saying you love them not only makes you look like a friend-using social climber, but also a friend-using social climber who, in fact, sucks at it.

11 Verbally maintain your love and devotion to a person or principle, act in a completely opposite manner,and then rationalize the crap out of everything to make yourself feel better. Do stupid things, that's fine. Just own it.

12 Get mad at me for putting the toilet seat down in the bathroom everyone in the house uses. Backwards, anyone?

*Please note that any similarities in character or situation are not mistakes and should not be disregarded. If you think I am talking about you, you are probably correct.

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