Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Obsessive. Compulsive. Dilemma.

If only I was as cool as Monk and my D could stand for detective. But, in fulfilling the pop culture requirement which makes the D stand for a word that is not Disorder, Dilemma is quite appropriate.

I am sure you all know that I am an OCD person. A lot.

For example. You know that commercial for Lowe's or whatever where the family goes into their house and then the entire house comes apart piece by piece? I don't know why that's okay. At least they try to fix it when the house gets put back together at the end, I guess. but in the meantime, I cringe and cover my eyes and try to control my blood pressure while Stephanie laughs at me. 

I try to control it, or at least not let it control me. And sometimes I do pretty well, and I can handle the loose ends of this world which I am sure are sent merely to increase my blood pressure. But there are, after all, multiple solutions. And sometimes "handle" means "submit". Although, in favor off the more positive connotation, I like to call it "embrace".

embracing can be healthy right? my doctor told me that OCD people make the best doctors.
A good example of the OCD embracing is my neurotic pre-bed routine, which includes:

(in a very specific order)

-folding all laundry which has gradually been strewn about my half of the room through the course of the days activities.
- Choosing pajamas and carefully matching my socks to said pajamas. Not to each other, necessarily, but always to the pajamas.
- Pack my backpack with every possible necessary item for tomorrow's classes. Depending on the day, this can also include cleaning out my binder and sorting hair ties and chapsticks into separate pockets based on size and predicted use.
- Center my computer carefully on the desk. Dust off the picture frames.
- Go through my desk drawers, neatening as necessary.
- Strip all bedding off and remake the bed, which is necessary on a daily basis because my sheet only has elastic on one end. Does it rip off every night and drive me crazy? Absofreakinlutely.
- Select and fold tomorrow's clothes carefully.
- Sit at my computer and type out a to do list for the next day. This is absolutely essential in order to achieve any semblance of productivity. 
- read scriptures and set my three alarms, potentially triple checking, depending on how terrified I am that I won't wake up. Which only happened once, but still.

I have this rule for myself called "on nights when I have to be at work at six thirty the next morning, I must be in bed by one a.m." So basically, I make my bed every night at 12:45, even if I already did it.
And that is weird.

It isn't always this bad. But sometimes it is worse. Cause here's the thing. My OCD struggle increases in direct proportion to my stress level.  Aka, if I have to speak to my Shakespeare professor one on one any more, I will be back to vacuuming and pre-applying toothpaste before I go to bed. Which has happened. It always kicks in in the middle of the night when no one is gonna bother me. I'm pretty sure I drove my parents crazy in high school when, as the only alternative to an emotional breakdown, I would clean in the middle of the night. Once I was so upset and stressed that I vacuumed my blinds, did three loads of laundry, dusted my bookshelves and book spines, and cleaned out all the cupboards in my bathroom at two in the morning.

I can't decide if I need some serious help or if this productive-upset thing is really good for finals week. I just don't know. What do you think?

Really. Help me.

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