breathe amy breathe

I secretly may be having a heart attack. You remember last semester when I had a mental breakdown and then threw it up all over the internet for you all to enjoy? well. Here we are again, not because I don't think I can do it. There's no way I am failing, we are safe.

But I had this realization today. What if I just don't want to do it? Cause really, I want to be in college and I know that I am where I should be. But it's like that whole thing where you know this will be good for you and you know that you need to but you just don't want to write the stupid essay, or do the stupid math assignment. (Never fear, mamacita, I did all the stupid assignments anyway)  I was dreaming about blackboard last night (raise your hand if you're a geek) and I woke up and thought. I need to sign up for English 2010 so that I can apply to work in the writing center next semester. Quick, Amy! So I actually got up and got my computer (which means I leaned over and picked it up, then used it while I was laying in bed) , got into banner, and found an open 2010 class. And then I saw that it was at 7 freaking thirty in the a.m. And I thought, no way. It's not happening, Jose. I just don't want to!

So here's my beef with my own stupid self about this.
- One. Why don't I want to go to class, specifically a writing class? It's just my major. This is a problem.
-Two. Why the heck am I suddenly as lazy as those space-traveling wierdos in Wall-e? Remember high school when I spent sixteen hours a day at school on a regular basis cause I wanted to? And I was in early morning seminary and went to school at six thirty every morning. And had a job. And I was so stressed I wanted to throw up and sometimes I would lose track of everything and Nate would have to come find me, get my stuff, wipe my tears, take me home, and tell me to go to sleep. And I was actually super happy. Here we are in college. My earliest class is at nine-thirty and I sometimes don't even wake up until like nine and then go to class in sweats. I can't find a job, which makes me feel like crap cause what if I am just not looking hard enough? I turned into one of those people I swore I would never be.
- Three. That is really wasteful. Right now I am at fourteen credits, but we have a plateau for tuition which means that as long as I am a dork freshman moocher who can't find a job, do I really have the right not to take that class when it doesn't cost anything more than what I (and by I, I mean other people with money who love me) already paid? mmm.... Not really. Does that mean I am going to go sign up for the seven freaking thirty in the a.m. class? That remains to be seen. Which makes me want to say, in the words of one Katie Johnson, " Am I a bad person? Probably."

Crap. I really should.
This is the part where I stop throwing up my panic/insecurities and go do homework and suck it up. Cause there's this whole responsible adult thing we are going for here, and I don't quite think what I am doing qualifies.

I need chocolate.

Katie Johnson

1) You're great.
2) You talked in your sleep last night- I think you were dreaming about shoes.
3) What happened to that courting that was supposed to go down today? He has no idea, does he?
4) Please freak out tomorrow before your date as much as you did when you told me about it. It was priceless.
5) Make me stop drinking diet coke. The withdrawls are getting worse. Not really, you never would.
6) You should blog again.
7) You're great. again.

love,
the girl with that nickname we use that I don't think I should ever put on the internet

I dare you.

Listen to Accidentally in Love and/or Sweet Home Alabama
Do Zumba with your roommates and then go running in Logan in January uphill
get large amounts of stuff done
drink diet coke and eat a parfait
realize your roommate owns that book you were dangerously close to spending sixty dollars on
do a whole math assignment without going to class, without help, and without crying
get an email with a bunch of pictures of your favorite person
watch Inception for Movie Monday
Dream about Inception and wake up feeling intensely profound
find out one of your classes doesn't ever meet on Fridays

Do even one of those things and tell me life isn't great.

You can't.

Can I get you some Lemon Juice for that cut?

I went to bed last night with blisters on both hands from my snow shovel. Fine. Whatever. However, when you rip one open on the edge of a table in class, it stops being fine. And it really stops being fine when, with the (accidental) aim of a professional knife-thrower, you give yourself a nice deep cardstock cut within the boundaries of the now open blister.

That sucked. That's all I really wanted to say.

New Years Resolutions. Ish.

Here is my beef with new years resolutions. The bridge between december and january does not exactly feel like a transition significant enough for the whole world. Why don't we have start of the school year resolutions? Anyway, so I was thinking that even though I don't really ever make any New Years Resolutions, I have no objection to making some start of term resolutions. I already have a bunch of goals written down semester by semester, but I came up with some new stuff.  So, I found out today that I got on the Dean's List last semester, (which only requires like a 3.6 or something so really its not that cool) and I think that is a trend that needs to continue. Mostly because anything less than a 3.6 makes me hyperventilate a little bit. Also, the goal for the semester is to find a job. This goal seems somewhat promising. I have high hopes. And lastly, while I was home for Christmas this man in my ward taught sunday school and shared a challenge given by someone important who I can't remember right now to read the book of mormon three times in three months. And he is doing it. Now, that seems insane to me because I was the loser who never finished march madness even once, but I think that I will make it a goal to at least do the whole book of mormon in a month thing. I made a deal with myself. I will read the entire book of mormon this month, and if, at the end of the month, I am still jobless ( please no!) I must and will continue for the whole quarterly reading marathon. This is a high standard. Sort of presumptuously ambitious. It is kind of exciting to take on big projects that kill you until you get up and kick their butt. So here goes another one. Happy spring semester everybody.

Into the breach once more. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

you know what sucks hardcore?

when you have cellulitis IN YOUR FACE! this infection at the cellular level thing kind of freaks me out, because it hurts. a lot. and it spreads. fast. you would think I would be used to this by now right? let me tell you, here we are on number four and while it is less unsettling than it once was, there are also some things that are worse. Like how this time around it is in my face (which I am sure you all noticed when I wrote it really big), which means that even when it isn't active or spreading, it feels like I have a sinus headache all the time, and when it is active and spreading, (like right now), it makes me feel carsick all the time on top of all the other crap. Anyway, long story short, my face hurts and I sure hope that those four types of antibiotics I am starting today work fast. Because IVs suck. And as I am already bruised from that girl fishing around in my arm with a needle yesterday, I'd like to avoid all that.

The point: Don't use stage makeup that causes chronic staph infection. Ever. Three years later, here you are still choking down nine different pills and desperately avoiding IV's.

Sorry if anybody is grossed out. My bad.

Holiday Hater with Results

I am pleased to say that the whole concerted effort to be jolly this year has, in some measure, succeeded. I did things a little differently and it was probably the calmest most christmasy christmas i have had in a long time. Life changing alterations were as follows.
- I stayed in my pajamas all day and watched movies with my family instead of freaking out and trying to clean up all the stuff everybody left everywhere. Letting go of control is getting slightly easier. Of course, the next day, all signs of Christmas minus the decorations were gone. ( I am less ashamed than perhaps I should be to report that I openly used both vacuums for a long period of time on a Sunday. My stormy soul was much calmer afterwards, so I chalk it up to keeping the sabbath day holy.)
- I only cringed slightly when my parents listened to the Christmas station the whole way home from Logan. Instead, I chose not to let my blood pressure rise and instead sang rap songs to myself in my head. (Which seems entirely scrooge-esque, I know. But I have given up on ever liking Christmas Music to the perhaps unhealthy amount that my family seems to enjoy it, and I will count myself successful if I am able to go on happily with life without screaming.)
- I went to Midnight Mass with Amy and Mark and Daniel. I have always wanted to go to Midnight Mass (like a good little mormon) and it was on the high end of the really awesome scale. I will be doing that again. (If I go to Mass on Christmas and Easter, can I be mormon AND Catholic?)
- I actually started saying Merry Christmas to people I saw in Walmart and those people I gave pizzas to while I was at work, and you know what? It was merry. Saying it is magic.

Overall, I feel that my anti-scrooge/grinch efforts have been rewarded and successful in some measure. More to follow next year. Maybe I'll hang up mistletoe or something and sing reindeer songs if this goes on long enough.

my best friend is THE best friend

because...
- he fixed the passenger side sun visor in his car because I was getting headaches and got really excited about surprising me with it.
- he was really nice about it when i broke his screen door with my face. (see previous post)
- he made me chicken soup when i was sick
- that time my sister was in the er and i was at home with matthew freaking out and he and sarah left school early and came and stayed with me.
- he bought me goldfish
- he let me use his locker for a whole year so i wouldn't have to walk all the way to j hall where i had no classes.
- he gets really, really, unusually a lot, excited about the old big big loaders set. we played with it for three hours. in junior year of high school. did i feel like i was five years old? yes. was it one of the most fun three hours i have ever spent? absolutely.
- i punched him in the face and he got over it.
- he was really nice about the whole awkward falling scene in Nickleby, which was slightly uncomfortable for me and infinitely more uncomfortable for him.
- we get each other really good birthday presents, for example, a day at Lagoon. which was awesome both times. expensive and dang worth it.

anyway. Justin, way to be awesome.

here's where we talk about my total lack of creativity

hey, everyone,  I hate my blog! it is the kind of boring that spawned jigsaw puzzles. I keep trying to change it to something clever and witty, and creative, and artistic, and just dang cool all at once. Not even one of those five criteria are really coming through. At all. Not even a little bit. Zero fun, sir. Less fun than football camp, which is hard to do.* So here's my question for the cosmos!  Why can't i just be interesting? Isn't there some genius catalyst floating around in limbo that needs a home? I am willing to take that on. I'd just like to be capable of some witty repartee, some clever idea that changes the world or at least my own self, at the very least an interesting blog design. Is that too much to ask? The only conclusion provided by my currentlysuckeddryofanyoriginalthought brain is that I should listen to mozart while i sleep. Because experts say, mozart makes babies smarter! ** anyway. ranting done. nothing is really the matter, i just felt like having a shout. (cowabunga)***

* kudos to anybody who caught the denzel washington reference.
** yet another incredible movie. hehe.
*** Only really special people know that movie, and only really really special people caught the double media reference. (english comedy and ninja turtles.)

I just realized that I might possibly maybe be a movie buff ahem freak. if I watch less tv will my creative abilities return, perhaps? we can (only hope). name that movie.

for the tab's sake

this blog is for one sole purpose. it is now 2011 and i need a 2011 tab on the blog archive.
So some things on my minds lately:

Amy is great. best twin ever.
Matthew is great. Best nephew ever.
three fifteen am comes way too fast.
completely random. but blogs that are just one line seem to be a waste of space. not that there is some space limit on blogging. But it's that whole needing to fill up the space thing that is sort of the same as when you are driving and you take the long way around as opposed to taking the short way that is clogged with traffic and sitting still the whole time. It takes the same amount of time, but if I am moving, I feel like I am getting something done. Call me crazy. You'll be right. Happy new years and goodnight.

(that rhymed. yes, I am a champion.)