Thursday, November 18, 2010

Mental Breakdown

You know why? Cause I might fail college. A in every class and failing just one is not really something I have experience with, and it is driving me crazy. Creative Arts. Sounds like one of those foof courses that doesnt really matter right? Yep. Unless you get sick and sleep through an exam. Which I did. And then cried. And then I said to myself, "Self! Don't freak out- you can ace the next two tests and it will be fine. Breathe." Not so. I have done all the assignmenst quite faithfully and studied for the tests. I am still failing, because the tests are the most random thing ever. When a class has no curriculum but whatever life stories of heroism the professor feels like talking about today, it is kind of hard to predict what will be on the tests. Study guides? Not much help either. Lat night I went over the study guide and I knew everything on that list minus those two composers I always mix up. You would think that would mean I would do well on the test- nay nay! The test taking gods did not smile on me this morning. 63 percent. The last time I got a 63 percent was when I failed the matrixes chapter in algebra. Never before, never since, and certainly not in an arts class. My self- confidence has been seriously shaken, as well as that great GPA I was looking forward to and really really need if I am ever going to get a better scholarship. And if this class brings my GPA down below a 3.5, I will lose the scholarship I have. I am having a panic attack as I type. What happens if I fail a class? I have never ever failed a class in my life. I am in uncharted waters. And the professor said the first day that at the end of the semester, he generally overrides some bad grades if you have been in class- because he knows who all of us are. To that profession of skill, I say Bull Freaking Crap. If there are 800 people in a class, there is no way in any dimension that one professor actually knows who we are. Especially when you assign us all seats that are impossible to get to. I am right in the middle of a row of seats (not desks. this class is in a concert hall.), and there are eight boys on either side with laptops and legs long enough that I couldn't climb over if I wanted to, and I don't, because playing hopscotch over guys legs just makes everyone uncomfortable. This also affects my grade, seeing as how the TA occasionally takes role from our assigned seats and gives us participation points from said gathered data. I'm sunk. I go to class. I can just never get to my bloody assigned seat. (Really. Does that seem weird to anyone else? College. Class of 800. Assigned Seats. Crack? I think so.) So although he says that he will override bad grades and give us a break, I have little faith. If I lose my scholarship, I might die. Actual heart attack. Dead on the floor.

 On that happy note, I am going to go do Lamaze and try not to suffocate from panic. Maybe some studying will calm me down. ( Even if breathing is beyond my capacity at the moment, I can always dream.)

1 comment:

  1. Speaking as one who had to keep a GPA to keep a scholarship to retain any hope of remaining in school, God STILL works miracles. And, speaking as one who has failed a class, I finally realized there is more to life than school. (Despite the fact that I work at one...) Being a good person is better than being a good GPA. It might cost a little more but everyone, including yourself, will like you more and be happier because of your existence. And you do a FABULOUS job of being a good person.


thank you for validating my existence, you lovely person!